Relationships

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Healthy relationships bring us happiness and love but it is easy for relationships with people to be a kind of habit that we can take for granted but can actually be unhealthy. While we may intend that we continually change for the better in our lives, our relationships may hold us back from the positive changes that could otherwise happen.

If you are on a path of positive change in your life you may accept that every day you become more loving and wise and these changes may be reflected in many parts of your life. You may decide to eat more healthily or take more exercise and the mental, emotional and spiritual parts of your life may change and progress as well. In fact personal growth inevitably involves change. Creating and maintaining routine and habits in our lives is a way of trying to avoid change but this is based on fear since change inevitably involves going into the unknown. Trying to keep things the same, even if in a superficial way is like trying to stop progress and hold back the tide of change; going with the flow involves a lot less pain.

Being true to your ever-changing self involves a degree of understanding yourself, even if this understanding cannot be put into words but is based on deep feelings. Being true to yourself also involves having relationships that are based on truth, love, acceptance, kindness and relating on many different levels. Remember that love of the heart is accepting of people the way they are, embraces truth and is pure and beautiful. It is often confused with lower emotions that can be conditional and dependent. Emotional tugging in relationships can often say 'if you loved me you would...' whereas true love is unconditional. We know that relationships can be based on co-dependence where each person has something that the other lacks. If we always rely on this person for what we lack, how will we ever manage to find it for ourselves?

A good example of emotional dependence is that where one person tries to help a friend by always listening to their problems and actually absorbs their emotional pain. I see many clients who subconsciously take away their friends' pain as they listen to their emotional problems; perhaps even the same issue, over and over again. The listener can feel tired, worn down or even in pain after listening, because they have absorbed emotional pain that is not theirs and they have no way of dealing with it. The talker goes away feeling relieved and thinking what a good friend they have, only to have the same issue come back to them in the same or a different way until they learn to resolve it themselves. This kind of relationship is very common, perhaps more so among women but also with men.

Relationships may involve all sorts of unhealthy traits and problems but also may involve much love and kindness. For those who wish to  make the necessary changes in their lives that are needed for ever greater happiness, love and wisdom, relationships will need to be considered carefully. Some of my greatest healing has happened through having a deep realisation about what was actually going on in some of my relationships and making necessary changes. Sometimes this has involved me standing up to someone to tell them that their aggressive behaviour towards me was no longer acceptable and if they wanted to have a continuing relationship with me they would have to change that behaviour. Other times it has meant me understanding that more love and acceptance was required by me. And sometimes it has entailed me letting someone move out of my life.

Ending a relationship with a friend or lover can be equally difficult and rewarding. It can take courage to make a break with someone, even if we know that it is for the best. Often we may feel worried about letting go of friends out of fear of loneliness or isolation. But we inevitably attract to us those people who reflect our own love and wisdom and if we are making positive changes, then someone even better will come into our lives.

Of course, with family it can be a different matter. We may not be able to choose our family but we can often choose how often we are with them and we are able to talk to them to ask them to modify their behaviour towards us. We may all have some tendency to treat people the same, even though we and they are constantly changing. We can see traits in people that stay the same and fail to see those parts of them that have changed.

Relationships are are, in effect, unwritten contracts between two people in which we have agreed to behave in a certain way, in exchange for them behaving in a certain way. These contracts affect very real exchanges of energy between people that can equally bring happiness or pain. Remember that a contract is only valid if both parties agree to it and if you desire a new arrangement then the contract can be destroyed so that a new, wiser and more loving relationship agreement can be created. We can intend that a relationship contract is destroyed but we create a new by our intent, feelings, words and actions.

Healing relationships can involve some understanding, some feeling, some action and some praying. Asking for divine help and guidance with all of your relationships is very positive. It is also good to pray for healing for all of your relationships and for insight and understanding into them. These are ways of helping our relationships to change as we do in our lives.

If you want help with understanding or healing relationships, or if you know to good methods or meditations for healing relationships then contact me.

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Copyright © 2007-2013 Mark Stallabrass